pieces of うんこ
so i haven’t posted in a while. and the reason is because i’ve been waiting for something amazing to happen to me. but it doesn’t work like that. but today, i felt like complete shit for some reason. and i have no idea why. the morning started off great, had a couple cookies cuz i was tired, and i was talking normally and whatnot. japanese class went well (first period) and there was a fire drill. yeah, went to the center of the field, then it was basically third period. yeah yeah, third period…. on to lunch. nothing happened in third period. we took notes. but my mood was starting to go downhill at this point. i sat down at a table and mayu sat down next to me and we exchanged greetings. okay, stop right here.
i haven’t been talking to her lately; there just isn’t ANYTHING to talk about. and when i want to talk to her, the conversation just stops. seems like she doesn’t wanna talk to me.. or wants to talk about something else. but i have no idea… then, i tell her i’m gonna compost my tray and so i go. mood keeps going downnn.n.n.n.n.n. and when i come back, she’s gone to another table to see melissa. i’m fine with the melissa thing, but she just left. and i just sit down at their table now. and they’re laughing and talking about the things they ALWAYS talk about… and i suppose repetition is good..? downdowndown
after this, i guess melissa notices i’m there and throws a piece of food at me because my head is down. and i look up and mouth the word “fuck”. and she goes “oh, nevermind” and goes back talking with mayu. mood keeps going down…
i start writing a letter to myself writing why i’m ticked. it’s about a page. and so, i get rid of it by ripping it up in front of them. and when i look up, mayu is chatting with fucking STEVEN T. DOWNDOWNDOWNDOWN. bastard!! anyways, i get up and recycle the letter. it makes me feel better.
but what makes me feel even better is eliot, my true brother! as we go up the stairs, i tell him that i feel like shit for no reason. and when we get up to the third floor, just listening to him being eliot makes me normal again.
i think the point is that friends who notice how you feel are the best ones. i don’t want someone to say “never mind” to me when they think i want to be left alone. when i’m angry, i don’t want to be left alone because i’m a person that wants to tell someone everything. but it just has to be the right person to tell. and i want to tell so many people what i feel because it’ll make me feel much better. and trust me, it’s better than writing a letter to yourself and then ripping it up, even if it is kind of symbolic.
and at first at the lunch table, mayu and i were not the only ones there. i was alone even when there were a jillion people around me. these days, i’m tired as hell and dozing off more often in class. tests are coming up and i’m being sluggish. i think its because i feel so disconnected from people and sometimes its like i’m not myself.
like now, when i think back, when i don’t want to talk to someone, i pretend not to hear. isn’t that i bit selfish? like ms. vanessa hudgens, for example. i just choose not to listen to her because
A. i don’t exactly enjoy listening to the crap she says
B. i don’t necessarily like her
C. i don’t gain anything from listening to it
so i just start reading my book. come on, even mason doesn’t even listen to her.
so, it’s almost april, and once these two weeks are over, school will be done for. i’ve got a plan and a back-up for a wonderfully productive summer.
plan A: go to japan for the whole time
plan B: from 9 AM – 12 PM go to NELA (college mentoring program)
from 2 PM – 3 PM go to YouthCAN
on some days, from around 6 PM – 10 PM be a TeenLink phone worker (hotline for teens on problems ranging from relationships to suicide)
hopefully, either way, i think i’ll have fun.
*ah, eliot fact for ms. janizzle: lately, eliot has been chewing gum and when he wants to blog bubbles, sometimes, he accidently spits out the whole piece of gum (usually onto the ground). IT’S HELLA FUNNY.
anyways, i just think that people who think they are friends should take care of their friends. even one of my closest friends probably doesn’t know that sometimes i do want condolence because sometimes, even the most independent people need help.
and after writing all this, i think i’ve found the solution: LACK OF SLEEP. makes hella sense. pms-ing has been over and i haven’t been getting enough sleep (i usually sleep like at 1…)
hopefully i can pass my literature and japanese exams without any problems, and apush? give me luck!!
won’t be blogging soon until exams are over.
goodnight and good luck~
here is a cool place i went the first time i went to japan: http://www.nissin-noodles.com/index.html
–on a higher note: WHY IS HE SOO DAMN CUTE?!
1 Comment
05/01/2009 at 3:29 PM
awww ally dear, dont feel so down. i think it’s from all the stress combined– it’ll be over soon! ;]
as for the eliot fact, HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i’ll be sure to make fun of him for that